So it's April, I still haven't had a date and I feel like I'm letting the blog down!

This is typical me. I can't be bothered (probably got something to do with why I'm still single) and I just live the single dating life through Ames.

The last date I went on was so much fun as well. I might as well tell you about it.

We went to Gunwharf - obvious choice. Amy came round before to help me with my outfit and gave me a lift (thanks mum)!

We arranged to meet at Slug & Lettuce and he was late. I had a large glass of wine before he eventually turned up...with a hole in his crotch!

He immediately got his tattoos out, I think to break the ice as they were pretty stupid. One on his toe, you can imagine my face as anyone who knows me well will know I have foot phobia.

We had a bit of an awkward conversation about my ex and then he offers me jaeger, I oblige. Four for £10 would be rude not to, right? 

We got on pretty well and I think I made him laugh. On to Bar 38 for a dance. Cringein'ell. His shapes were outrageous so I quickly abort the plan.

I whatsapped Ames who was chilling at her friend's apartment which overlooks the bar. She offered me a lift home and seeing as I was 8/10 drunk I accept. She gives my date a lift home too!

I should probably have mentioned earlier that my date looks a bit like Nick Grimshaw and is Craig David's biggest fan so it's banterville all the way home.

I had a good night! Just haven't seen him again. Might give him a text actually.

I promise to have a May date!

Hayley xoxo

Amy's April Date

Not really sure where to start with Mr April... a weekend away in Brighton isn't my usual kind of date. To be honest I wasn't sure if it was a date or not until I was driving back home checking my phone for the 'Thank you, I had a really good time' text.... yeah, that was a 'date'. 

I've known Mr April for 8 years... back in 2005 I thought he was THE coolest guy in the world. Seriously. That boy knew how to take a good MSN messenger profile picture. 

For the first time in 8 years, we are both single again...and we somehow casually arrange a weekend at his in Brighton. I guess it didn't really seem weird til I rock up with a suitcase :/ (He later tells me that he was surprised to see me stroll in wearing a woolly hat and chewing gum... there seem to be some date rules I've missed out somewhere. Both are unacceptable.) I send the standard 'I'm here ok, and he's still hot' text to my nearest and dearest. 

Thankfully, there's no awkwardness and we go out for a few drinks. He's as funny as I remember, and we spent most of the night taking the piss out of other people. Perfect. 

We head back and do the cliche of chatting til the early hours.CHATTING. Stay classy girls. 

On Saturday we went to one of my favourite places for 'meant to be breakfast but we got up too late so it's lunch/ dinner'. We then have a lazy day, finished off with more drinks and a takeaway. Pretty spot- on Saturday. 

Standard Instagrammed food pic

Can I just point out, that after talking about Derren Brown, we play the 'guess what number I'm thinking of' game. We guessed right EVERY time. I'm 90% sure that's the first time that's ever happened since records began. Just sayin. *COUGH* meant to be *COUGH*

On Sunday he takes me for a pub roast. I'm impressed. He was scared of some wasps and made a bit of a fuss, but I'm not allowed to write about that. 

Then more chilling at his, and a mandatory Friends sesh (a good three episodes) before I drive home. Ten minutes into the drive... There's that text. Bossed it ;) 

Amy 

xxx

The Single Girl's Bank Holiday Weekend

No March date for me.... just a three night Easter bender. That'll do. 
I'm not really one to be on the lookout for men when I go out- but for the sake of the blog, I'll make an exception ;) 

Three nights out, three different places, three different types of men. Hayley (my usual partner in crime) isn't about this weekend, so a few of my other single friends happily oblige.... 

Friday

Fancying a laid back and casual night, me and my friend Claire head to a beer festival before going to a small club nearby, known for having a bit more of an 'alternative' crowd. Your average man in here will be wearing a hoody. He may even be wearing a hat (Controversial). He will more than likely be good fun, but there is a pretty good chance that he will smell like feet. I'm juuuuust saying. 

Time for a bit of..."Excuse me... can I get a photo please?!" Cringe. Again, for the sake of the blog.... 

See, a boy in a hat. 

This one has a beard! And a hoody!

The main difference about the men in this place is that they're pretty laid back, and have no issues with coming over for a chat and a bit of banter. 

After bouncing around like an idiot who's definitely had one cider too many, I get chatting to someone.... 

Him: "Let's just get really drunk"
Me: "Yeeeahh! I've run out of money...."
Him: "I don't buy girls drinks.

   What drink you want?" 

I get a facebook add the next night. Smooth. 

Saturday 

Saturday night was a work night out in the centre of town. You can pretty much guarantee that ANY man you meet here will be a prick. It's a bold statement, but I'm sticking to it. Most of the men here look like they fell right out of Geordie Shore. Vom. They're also fairly convinced that grinding against you is a fail safe conversation opener, that's if their bottle of Grey Goose hasn't got you in their booth yet.... 
Needless to say there are no photos from Saturday night.

Had constant texts from Mr January. What a trooper. 

Sunday 

My good friend Abbie joined me for my last night out, this time in a different city. She didn't disappoint. The men here are definitely more my type- a bit more cheeky, approachable... 
I just wish I could remember more :/ I'm not too sure how attractive a couple of girls are after downing half the contents of the bar?

Meet my new friends.... 

This guy couldn't have been more chuffed to have his photo taken...

Conversation of the evening: 

"Hi, what's your name?"

"Amy"

"Ah cool. Where you staying tonight?"

"...Bye."

Aaaaand that is why I don't meet anyone out. 

Love

Amy 

xxx

Plenty of Dins...

So this is why Internet dating hasn't worked for us.... 

Hayley and Amy

xxx

Hayley's February date

My longest standing non-celebrity crush has got to be the postman at work.

He is the ultimate silver fox. DILF. So I couldn't believe my luck when he asked me out.

He did the old gentlemanly thing of picking me up - no not in his red van.

He had flowers, took me to a really classy restaurant where we had good food, good wine and good banter. He would not let me pay a penny. He dropped me home and did not try and get in my pants.

And then I woke up.

Shock there was no February date. Better luck for March ay - only 14 days left. Shit, better start inboxing.

xxx

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Amy's February Date

Well they do say absence makes the heart grow fonder... sorry we've been slack. Basically, shortly after the below date, I was briefly seeing someone. He then told me he was going to work a season in Ibiza this summer. That old chestnut ;) 

Aaaaanyway, Mr February arranged to meet me for a hot chocolate in a little village pub. This makes me more nervous than a boozy night out, not sure why. Probably because I can't blame any 'Amy-isms' on being pissed. 

I got there a bit early so waited for him in the car like a cool person, and he rocked up in a dad-car.

Mr February is very tall, and very good looking. He looks a lot like Steve Jones,  this is good, very good. He's a lot better looking than his brother, who I have also dated but anyway, moving on :/

 Despite me thinking that I'd played it cool, he tells me that he'd seen me waiting in my car. Fuck. 

We had about 3 hours of chit chat over two hot chocolates (steady on), and then I decide to call it a night at the late hour of 9 o clock. 

Mr February is really good looking, kind, sweet and funny. But I don't fancy him. Brilliant. 

After a facebook stalking sesh, and bumping into him on a night out, I discover why I don't fancy him. His mouth is a funny shape when he talks. And he wears bootleg jeans. 

Conversation with my two best friends tonight: 

"Come on Amy, you always moan about not finding a nice guy"

"Yeah, one day you might look at him and realise that his cat bum mouth is one of the things you love about him"

Sorry girls. 

Essex Boys Boys Boys

There are some right salty potatoes in Essex. And we have discovered that an Essex accent can transform your average male into a right charming and cheeky chappy. Not ENTIRELY why we go there though, promise...

For our annual perve (disguised well with drinking/ dancing/ shopping) we travelled up to Brentwood on Thursday for a couple of nights.

Got made up Thursday night and started at the Slug.  Then made our way to Sugar Hut.  

Erm... that's almost her name.

Met a few lads, not sure we can call them our February dates...

"The blonde one"- Hayley

This guy I clocked straight away in Slug, he literally couldn't be more Essex if he tried. Mario Falcone barnet, albeit blonde, hence his nickname. I don't usually go for blondes. Nice face, smartly dressed, acted as if he had a girlfriend (girls, you know what I mean) so I left him well alone. Then I'm on the dance floor downstairs at Sugar Hut and I can't believe my luck when he appears right next to me with his mate who I could have sworn was Craig Phillips from Big Brother (he reckoned he wasn't).  Both giving it the elbow dance. He tells me he's signed off work with a bad back - if only his boss could have seen him...buys me a drink, on to the next.

"Peter the prick"- Hayley

His nickname says it all. He told me I had big thighs, I told him to fu*k off. 

"The Gymnast"- Hayley

Now this one kept me occupied for the rest of the night - not like that.  Again it was his dancing that caught my eye.  He literally had me at hello.  Opened our conversation by showing me a scar on his hand and telling me he almost died when he was a baby.  We chatted for a bit, the usual.  He tells me his various jobs - lifeguard, PT, Gymnast, GYMNAST?! I think I actually asked if he was in the olympics, cringe. I drop my straw so he offers me his.  At the time I remember thinking that was so romantic (easily pleased)!  He insists on buying me a drink too, so I oblige ;) A lot of fun but maybe not the sharpest tool in the box- when he tries to find himself on facebook for me he fails... 

"The Pests"- Both of Us

It's always awkward when the guys that ask to sit with you are possibly the least fortunate looking in the whole bar. Yeah... that happened. We have a tendency to be a little cold with these kind of men usually, but as nice girls, try to be as polite as possible. Unfortunately this ended in "we're just going to the toilet", before we did a runner. Little did we know that we would bump into these men again. And again. And again. With only one club in Brentwood, we really should have thought this through. 

"The Slapper"- Amy 

This one does NOT have a happy ending. Whilst Hayley is busy having a dance with The Blonde One, I'm being entertained by Ryan. Ryan thinks he's Drake. Let me tell you- he is not. After some very bad dance moves and even worse small talk, he moves in for the grind. No, no, NO. I manage to escape, and I pretend to be completely oblivious to him staring at me from across the room. 
Later on, I see him pestering Hayley, who is clearly having the same issues. I touch Ryan's shoulder and give him a little patronising shake of the head...as in "no mate, just no". He then shouts "DON'T TOUCH ME!!" and slaps me round the face. Seriously. 
He gets chucked out. 


"The Pro Golfer"- Amy 

I'd had my eyes on Lewis from the moment he walked in (Taylor Swift?) and he looked my type straight away- tall, dark, sort of handsome. I was drunk. 
I saw my opportunity to talk to him when The Slapper was hassling me. I did the whole damsel in distress act, which worked a treat. "Excuse me, can you pretend to be with me? That guy that thinks he's Drake won't leave me alone" *flutter eyelashes*. It was going a little too well- we had a laugh and he told me he was a professional golfer. He then has to leave... takes me to a quieter room to 'say goodbye' (OI OI AMES!), and then walks off to leave. "You've got a girlfriend haven't you!"... he shrugs at me. Bellend. 

"Kirk"

What a lad. Proper Salty. 

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Thanks for reading!

Hayley and Amy 

xxx