Tuesday, 5 February 2013

Essex Boys Boys Boys

There are some right salty potatoes in Essex. And we have discovered that an Essex accent can transform your average male into a right charming and cheeky chappy. Not ENTIRELY why we go there though, promise...

For our annual perve (disguised well with drinking/ dancing/ shopping) we travelled up to Brentwood on Thursday for a couple of nights.

Got made up Thursday night and started at the Slug.  Then made our way to Sugar Hut.  

Erm... that's almost her name.

Met a few lads, not sure we can call them our February dates...

"The blonde one"- Hayley

This guy I clocked straight away in Slug, he literally couldn't be more Essex if he tried. Mario Falcone barnet, albeit blonde, hence his nickname. I don't usually go for blondes. Nice face, smartly dressed, acted as if he had a girlfriend (girls, you know what I mean) so I left him well alone. Then I'm on the dance floor downstairs at Sugar Hut and I can't believe my luck when he appears right next to me with his mate who I could have sworn was Craig Phillips from Big Brother (he reckoned he wasn't).  Both giving it the elbow dance. He tells me he's signed off work with a bad back - if only his boss could have seen him...buys me a drink, on to the next.

"Peter the prick"- Hayley

His nickname says it all. He told me I had big thighs, I told him to fu*k off. 

"The Gymnast"- Hayley

Now this one kept me occupied for the rest of the night - not like that.  Again it was his dancing that caught my eye.  He literally had me at hello.  Opened our conversation by showing me a scar on his hand and telling me he almost died when he was a baby.  We chatted for a bit, the usual.  He tells me his various jobs - lifeguard, PT, Gymnast, GYMNAST?! I think I actually asked if he was in the olympics, cringe. I drop my straw so he offers me his.  At the time I remember thinking that was so romantic (easily pleased)!  He insists on buying me a drink too, so I oblige ;) A lot of fun but maybe not the sharpest tool in the box- when he tries to find himself on facebook for me he fails... 

"The Pests"- Both of Us

It's always awkward when the guys that ask to sit with you are possibly the least fortunate looking in the whole bar. Yeah... that happened. We have a tendency to be a little cold with these kind of men usually, but as nice girls, try to be as polite as possible. Unfortunately this ended in "we're just going to the toilet", before we did a runner. Little did we know that we would bump into these men again. And again. And again. With only one club in Brentwood, we really should have thought this through. 

"The Slapper"- Amy 

This one does NOT have a happy ending. Whilst Hayley is busy having a dance with The Blonde One, I'm being entertained by Ryan. Ryan thinks he's Drake. Let me tell you- he is not. After some very bad dance moves and even worse small talk, he moves in for the grind. No, no, NO. I manage to escape, and I pretend to be completely oblivious to him staring at me from across the room. 
Later on, I see him pestering Hayley, who is clearly having the same issues. I touch Ryan's shoulder and give him a little patronising shake of the head...as in "no mate, just no". He then shouts "DON'T TOUCH ME!!" and slaps me round the face. Seriously. 
He gets chucked out. 

"The Pro Golfer"- Amy 

I'd had my eyes on Lewis from the moment he walked in (Taylor Swift?) and he looked my type straight away- tall, dark, sort of handsome. I was drunk. 
I saw my opportunity to talk to him when The Slapper was hassling me. I did the whole damsel in distress act, which worked a treat. "Excuse me, can you pretend to be with me? That guy that thinks he's Drake won't leave me alone" *flutter eyelashes*. It was going a little too well- we had a laugh and he told me he was a professional golfer. He then has to leave... takes me to a quieter room to 'say goodbye' (OI OI AMES!), and then walks off to leave. "You've got a girlfriend haven't you!"... he shrugs at me. Bellend. 


What a lad. Proper Salty. 

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Thanks for reading!

Hayley and Amy 

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